“[todd and I went] to a coffee shop where a friend of todd’s worked. a band called ‘the samples’ was playing in town the next night, and todd had to drop off a ticket to his friend that worked there. we got to the coffee shop, and sat down. he went to find his friend, and i worked on a cup of coffee. she came out from the back, and we met. as we talked for a bit i realized that we had a great deal in common. she left for a minute, and todd informed me that along with being one of the cooler girls that he knew, she was also an atheist. while incredibly intelligent, she was also incredibly mistrusting. todd, being one of the most consistent examples of Christ that i’ve had in my life, had befriended her, in order to care for her, accept her, love her, and try and show Christ to her. i was going through one of my ‘dissatisfied phases’ (which tend to hit me at the strangest times), so i was in a bit of a compromising mood. after we left i asked todd if there were any more extra tickets to ‘the samples’ show. i was determined to see her again.”

“we got to the show the next night, and i spent the majority of the night hanging out around her. i think that it was my keen awareness of those dangers that dropped my guard. i found myself asking for her number (under the justification of what a great witnessing opportunity it could be). know that i don’t believe in, nor do i condone ‘missionary dating.’ over the next week and a half, we spent quite a bit of time together. i discovered that in order to maintain a relationship like this, one must compromise. she was a very intellectual girl, and like myself, very analytical. we talked for hours about nothing. i found that everything about myself that we got very deep into led to my relationship with God. it was at that point where we stopped relating to one another. eventually, i began anticipating it, and getting right up to that point, and straight off on a tangent in order to avoid it.”

“i found myself completely taken with her, and completely ignoring any conviction that i had about what was happening. my friends prayed for my judgement, but generally left me alone. after all, if i wasn’t listening to God, i sure wouldn’t listen to my friends. please understand me; it wasn’t the relationship that was wrong, it was where i was going with it that was flawed. God could’ve used that relationship for His glory, but i was being selfish and controlling. God was letting me learn a hard lesson.”

“there finally came a point where i knew that i had to get out of it. i talked to my friends, and told them that i was just going to go to her and explain that it wasn’t going to work. i spent about three hours with her trying to make her understand, but we ended up debating the issue, and i’ll admit that her arguments were much stronger than mine. what i had to realize was that there was no way that i could make her understand. she didn’t even believe in the God that had guided me to my decision. i think i loved her. i didn’t want to leave her. i didn’t want things to change.”

“that whole thing scarred me though. i so rarely find someone that i am so compatible with. relationships have always been few and far between with me. the amazing thing is how faithful God has been to bring Himself glory through my weakness. i wrote half of the song ‘i just don’t want coffee’ while i was still in that relationship. it wasn’t until the week after it was over that i was able to write the last verse. it strikes me as ironic that the song originally ended with “where’s my head” repeated over and over again. it’s the last verse that really brings the whole thing together for me.”

“i write a lot of songs that caedmon’s will never play. i just write to write. when i wrote the song ‘i just don’t want coffee,’ i didn’t intend on anyone hearing it. i wrote it for the same reason i write most of what i write: therapy. after it was completed, i showed it to cliff and he encouraged me to try it live. he said that my situation was more universal than i probably thought. we gave it a shot, and i was so surprised and overwhelmed at the response.”